The Night I Went to a Gig Alone: A masterclass in social awkwardness

Well, tonight was a first. I attended my first gig, on my lonesome. A momentous occasion, made more special by the fact that I am convinced I was the only one there alone, and that it was pretty small anyway, so I’m sure everyone knew I was on my own as well. Just to labour this point, I was on my own. As a budding music journalist gigging alone should be part of the territory but this was all new. As I entered the venue with the other children (they didn’t look old enough to be ‘kids’) I repeated to myself over and over: “I’m a journalist. I am here to review this gig. I am not here because I have no friends”.

Upon entering I made my way towards the bar. The barman looked shocked that someone was old enough to drink and I couldn’t blame him. Around me was a plethora of androgynous he/shes of indeterminate age, at a push I would have guessed pre-pubescent (Herein they will all be 14). I am 20 years old. If there ever was a moment when the phrase: “I’m too old for this shit” was needed it was right then. I was reminded of the ‘Murtagh List’ episode of How I Met Your Mother, named after the hero of the Lethal Weapons franchise who often repeated that phrase. Despite only being in the room for 5 minutes I was quickly adding ‘going to gigs on my own’ to my very own Murtagh List.

What made the situation worse was my own social ineptitude. Surely people must go to gigs on their own all the time, but rarely would they have been so obvious about it as I was. Around the room I saw people staring at me. It didn’t help that the venue was not exactly busy, at most 30 people were waiting around the changing room sized Academy 2, thus everyone could see everyone else. With some people waiting at the front, and others at the back by the merch, it had all the hall marks of the dreaded school disco. And I felt I was intruding somehow. Like I was at the school disco, but I didn’t attend the school, and I was 45, and naked. Basically I felt out of place. So I moved to the back of the venue with my beer and sat down, by myself.

At this point I’m texting a fair number of people I know just to look busy. I don’t even like half the people I’m texting, I just need something to do with my hands. What do you normally do with your hands in these situations? I cross my legs, but that looks awkward. In hindsight I know no-one is actually watching but all these actions occur only after a complex thought process going on inside my frankly mental brain. At this point, I am frantically alternating between staring at my phone and supping my pint which is almost certainly not worth the £3.80 I reluctantly paid for it. I have already decided I am going to need another drink so I proceed to counting out my silvers on the table to make up the bounty for a lukewarm Carlsberg.

Suddenly a parent enters the room with her daughter and her friends. I chuckle to myself, but fair play on the Mum for volunteering to come, then it hits me. She has spotted me at the back and is making a bee line for the seating. I realise I am in the old people’s section, and it consists of just me and someone’s mum. I desert the comfort of the sofa with this revelation and move towards the uncharted territory of the main floor. I position myself far enough away from people so they don’t think I’m trying to muscle in on their group, but close enough to not seem like a straggler. The veneer of professionalism I have bestowed on myself as a “journalist” has disappeared at this point. The first band has come on and I am blown away by their sheer incompetence and lack of talent. Good god they were shit. At this point I decide that as I am out of money I will leave after the band I want to see plays (they are the second support act), I also realise that this means I can no long claim to be reviewing the show as I won’t be seeing over half of it. Part of me is glad though, because I doubt I have enough swear words in my vocabulary to do this band justice. I estimate a staggering 70% of their lyrics consist of “Woah” and their last song is called “Party til we die”, I shake my head in disgust when they announce this. The 12 kids at the front go crazy, as only 14 year olds can.

Then the band I want to see come on, and I forget all about that stuff. I get near the front and I sing along, I lift my hands in the air when I want to, and tap along so much I get cramp. And it all seems worth it, because I love this band, and I love live music even more. Maybe I should stop worrying about this shit, but god knows the next time I go to a gig on my own I’ll do it all over again.

West Ham: the post-Wolves post mortem

It’s difficult to look at West Ham at this point in the season and not treat them like some sort of wounded animal in need of being put down. So often the first response of people talking about them is a simple: “Awww, poor West Ham…”, and ultimately out will come the cliché: “They are too good to go down”. But let that not detract from the fundamental point that there is still a high chance that they will go down.

This post will, after watching the Wolves match, examine now some claims that have been made to explain West Ham’s alarming lack of form this season and assess what weight we can attach to each one.

The Squad isn’t good enough

This is a side that contains 3 current England internationals (Green, Upson and Cole), 2 ex-England internationals (Dyer and Parker) an ex-u21 captain (Noble), a current u21 starter (Tomkins), and no less than 11 full internationals from other countries (Faubert, Behrami, Mido, Spector, Franco, Kovac, Collison, Gabbidon, McCarthy, Boa Morte and Ilan).

I am sorry but if you cannot create an XI out of those players who can compete with Wolves than something is wrong somewhere down the line. This is arguably a stronger squad than the one that finished 9^th in the 05/06 season.

However, this is a squad that has performed poorly consistently, and international caps can be seen as a misleading stat to value quality by. Of the full internationals 7 are over the age of 30, and one of them is Matthew Upson.

Validity 2/10

There aren’t enough defenders

Despite the quality of the players, there are some issues regarding how many players West Ham have in each position. Most fundamentally this concerns the defence. West Ham’s current centre back roster is Upson, Tomkins, Gabbidon and da Costa. Of these, Gabbidon is injury prone and slow, da Costa is untested, Tomkins is young and needs to be blooded, not have a long gruelling season (his mistake on Tuesday night reflects that too much is being asked of him) and one of these is Matthew Upson. Jordan Spence is tipped as a rising youth star but again he poses the same issues as Tomkins, how much football is too much for a young lad? Spector has been asked to fill in at CB, but his error for Jarvis’ goal against Wolves showed that he is not a natural in this position, being as he is primarily a FB.

The FB positions are again shaky. Faubert is a defensive liability and often Behrami plays RM to cover his foibles. However, this limits Behrami’s effectiveness, as he is most useful when deployed in CM. Spector is considered the back-up RB, thought Behrami would arguably slip back there if Faubert received an injury. Herita Ilunga, who had a superb season in the last campaign, has suffered with injury and the loss of form that always accompanies this. This has meant that Daprela, a 19 year old Swiss junior international, has been asked to fill in. It has said a lot that he has been consistently one of our better performers. Perhaps the naivety of youth has allowed him licence to roam forward, but he has looked more than capable of making that LB spot his own. Again, Spector is considered the reserve LB.

Validity: 7/10

The midfield has lacked quality and creativity

The midfield is equally unbalanced, though not in numbers. The problem here lies in the position that each midfielder wants to occupy. West Ham are overrun with CMs, and not the Gerrard style CMs but the boring, holding midfielders. You know that ones that you usually only need one of in a standard 442 that Zola seems to favour? Kovac, Parker, Noble and Behrami all often want to play the same role as each other, leading to a dearth in creativity. Parker is undoubtedly a shoe-in for the starting XI and rightly so, but against Wolves it was he who had to make the gut-busting runs to the box and provide the creative spark through the centre. This was on top of being expected to break up play in his own half. A common sight would be for Parker to disrupt a Wolves attack, then pass it on quickly, only for the potential attack to grind to a halt while Parker sprinted up field to orchestrate the attack from there.

Radoslav Kovac, often Parker’s CM partner has proven how limited a player he is this season, poor in the air, with one of the worst ranges of passing of any CM in the Premiership and little desire to get forward, he encapsulates the worst aspects of the modern phenomenon of the holding midfield player. His inclusion often seems unnecessary when it is Behrami (from the right) and Parker who are forced to do his work for him. Behrami, for all his effort, is a not a natural winger, and not the sort that is needed in the standard 442. With the inclusion of two more defensive minded holding midfielders, the wingers need to be the outlet ball and drive the attack forward. Behrami however lacks the skill to go past most Premiership FBs and is more comfortable giving and going, making the play far too narrow. It also often negates Faubert’s natural instinct to over-lap by leaving the French international isolated in the advanced positions down the right.

Mark Noble is a talented player but one struggling to find his own style of play. Often asked this season to be the creative spark through the centre he has struggled to supply the necessary vision. Not that he is bad at this, but he often takes time in assessing the play and seems too keen to track back and put in the tackles. Not necessarily a criticism, but one that means that he often finds himself out of position when asked to launch an attack.

Most frustratingly of all is the idea that Zola has often made four of these players make up our midfield. A midfield four of Collison – Parker – Kovac – Behrami, means that you have 4 CMs playing together, this has been ruthlessly exposed at times, forcing  Behrami and Parker to not play their natural game and leaving Kovac, probably the weakest of the bunch, playing the holding role. Watching four midfielders occupy the same space has been a common sight for West Ham fans this season. Collison, one of the brightest prospects, is a creative CM, perhaps in the Bowyer mould, but he has often been asked to play wide-left and now currently injured, his presence is  being greatly missed.

Of the flair players West Ham do possess (Diamanti, Dyer and Stanislas), it is often the case that they are not utilised enough or correctly. Diamanti is clearly a skilful player and one that the fans have quickly warmed to, but he is not a typical 442 wideman. When played on the left he either takes up advanced positions too quickly and seems starved of the ball, or tracks back in order to gain possession but ends up receiving the ball in his own half and therefore being incapable of showcasing his skill. Stanislas is also talented, but defensively and tactically very immature (to be expected of a young player) and his weaknesses have been apparent often when he has started games. The phenomenon of inside-out wingers (see Jonathan Wilson’s excellent column here: http://www.guardian.co.uk/sport/blog/2010/mar/24/the-question-inside-out-wingers) has also been implemented with some measure of failure. With Stanislas on the left, and Diamanti on the right it grew tiresome watching Stanislas barely touch the ball and Diamanti be forced to always cut in to his favoured left foot. Against Wolves, While Diamanti was not perfect in the first half, in the second, watching him endlessly cut in and leave the space between the front corner of the penalty box and the corner flag virtually untouched was tiresome and frustrating to say the least.

Validity: 8/10

Team Selection has been poor

I feel I have addressed this at various points throughout my diatribe so far, but I would like to address it here. In certain positions there has been little choice for Zola. In defence I’m sure Zola would have preferred not to have to use Tomkins so regularly but circumstances have dictated that he be a regular starter, here you must have some sympathy for him. However, his failure to realise that 4 CMs cannot play together, and his reluctance to play an attackive minded CM has been poor and seemed inexplicable to most.

Pre-January, the club did have a striker crisis, with injuries to Cole, Franco and the retirement of Ashton. But in that window 3 strikers were acquired and now, with Cole and Franco back to fitness, the club has an abundance of players in that position. But, Zola has not been able to settle on a pair to play. Franco, who looked good pre-January has been relegated out of the starting XI for Benni McCarthy who looks a million miles away from match fitness. Ilan, the Brazilian international has been anonymous and Mido is arguably too similar a striker to Carlton Cole for them to play together. There is also an alarming lack of pace upfront (in fact throughout much of the squad) and this issue is not helped by the aging, journeymen strikers, who litter the teamsheet.

Validity 9/10

It seems that a lot of the blame can be placed at the door of the management, but it would be too easy (though not financially so) to sack Zola. The question remains, who would be brought in to replace him?

It is a frustrating time to be a West Ham fan, but it seems that they may just be one formation change or one act of ruthlessness in team selection away from getting the results they need to stay up. With a relatively easy run-in to the end of the season, West Ham would not be favourites for the drop, but unless something is done then perhaps they will see Championship football at the Boleyn ground next season. Would a clear-out and restart be the worst thing for the club? They did come back stronger after they went down in the 2002/2003 season, but it seems that financially it could utterly cripple the club. Survival then seems to be the only option, but whether this will happen is another matter altogether.

2009 in review (very, very late)

So it has come to an end finally. There will be many who would have been glad to have seen the back of 2009, a worldwide recession, continuing wars and inaction on global warming. But it’s not my place to talk about any of that. The New Year has seen the end of my first calendar year as an amateur music reviewer, so I figured I would attempt and amateur round-up of 2009. Here we go.

In my first year as a reviewer for this site I managed a meagre 40 reviews, but as a fan of music I enjoyed much, much more. But would it really be fun to talk about things I liked? Effusive praise is all well and good, and rest assured at the end of this I will mention some highlights (I feel I will need to to cheer myself up), but it would be much more enjoyable for me, and suited to my personality, to give out some awards, shit awards. Focusing not only on things I have reviewed, but on things that I have listened to throughout this year.

Let’s start with a biggie: Worst Album of the Year.

Shortlist:
Anarbor – Free Your Mind
Sparks The Rescue – Eyes To The Sun
A Rocket To The Moon – On Your Side

Needless to say there are many contenders for this unenviable prize. Anarbor’s “Free Your Mind” was a pretty spectacular example of crap pop-rock. At times embarrassingly bad, at others merely just bad, Anarbor nevertheless have grown in popularity throughout the year and, as it was only an EP, there were albums that were, track for track, worse than this.

Sparks the Rescue threw their hat into the ring with “Eyes To The Sun”, an album so very bland that it deserved a spoken word introduction from Ken Barlow. STR, I felt, were guilty of a terrible crime: a lack of ambition. I don’t understand how a band could have been happy with releasing that. To sound like a poor Mayday Parade cover band and to have lyrics that clichéd, means STR’s place in this shortlist is richly deserved.

But our winner, if you can call them that, is without doubt A Rocket to the Moon. Sweet mother of God this was a flat-out, ball-wrenchingly abysmal album. It made other bands on this list look positively fantastic in comparison. This album summed up the worst part of my job. I had to listen to it multiple times to check if it was a grower. Surprisingly it wasn’t. I could have summed it up with a dismissive, one word review; I think ‘shit’ would have sufficed. But deep down I realised I needed longer to dissect its awfulness, especially the fucking terrible lyrics.

Crap in almost every way possible, congratulations ARTTM the coveted Worst Album of the Year award belongs to you.

Most Disappointing Album of 2009

Weatherbox – The Cosmic Drama
Brand New – Daisy
The Swellers – Ups and Downsizing

They say good things come to those who wait, but for Weatherbox fans, this rang a bit hollow. In fact, it was more the case of disappointingly average things come to those who wait, and wait, and wait.

“The Cosmic Drama” should have been great, I mean, it’s by Weatherbox. They wrote “American Art” for fucks sake, that is a masterpiece. But “The Cosmic Drama” just meandered along, going nowhere slowly, especially in the first half of the album. All the elements that made their debut album were there, but so hidden beneath increasingly pompous arrangements and deliberately abstract lyrics, that it made listening to “The Cosmic Drama” an overwhelmingly frustrating affair.

Ahh, Brand New. Am I just a disgruntled fan-boy? Am I one of those people who can’t accept that a band has to mature? Is this just an attempt to jump on a band wagon? Or was your latest album, “Daisy”, simply disappointing?

Well some of them are true, but most certainly true is the last statement. “Daisy” was a break from what Brand Newhad done before, but yet was not wholly unexpected. Anyone who had heard Gasoline or Bought a Bride live knew that these changes were coming, and, to be fair, “Daisy” is not a bad album, in fact it’s a good album. But the most disappointing thing is that “Daisy” isn’t a great album, and it’s the first time in their careers that Brand New have put out an album that wasn’t great and that was the most disappointing thing of all.

Is there a greater feeling than listening to a song for the first time and knowing, I mean really knowing, that it is a great song. Well, thank-you The Swellers “2009” was that song to me. I literally couldn’t contain my girlish excitement when I was given this to review. I flat out loved “2009” and I was flat out ambivalent about their album “Ups and Downsizing”. Because you know that great feeling? It’s got an evil twin. It’s the feeling when you realise that you have bought an album on the strength of one song and the rest of the album has not only failed to live up to that song, but has in fact failed to be good.

“Ups and Downsizing” was majorly disappointing, but it wasn’t the most disappointing album of the year. Step forward Weatherbox, “The Cosmic Drama” was not only disappointing in that it didn’t live up to “American Art”, it was also, for large patches, simply a crap album. Damn you!

Most Unintentionally Hilarious Music Video of the Year

The most closely contested award in this year’s ceremonies. In fact, so close, that I have decided to give it as a joint award. Because me describing a video you can watch yourself seems vacuously pointless I have simply settled for picking out some things to watch out for to enhance your viewing experience.

Stick Stickly by Attack Attack See it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5886Nb_psg
What can I say that hasn’t been said before? Arguably nothing, so just sit back and enjoy. Here’s a fun game I like to play when I watch it, it’s pretty simple; try and guess how many band members there are. Sounds disarmingly easy, but don’t forget to account for the fact that they all look exactly the same. For bonus fun, think up amusing nicknames for them.

Just to get this on record as well, I truly believe that this was the moment when music died in 2009.

I Gave Her My Heart, She Gave Me a Pen by My Hidden Track See it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=odYEU6ub0CU

While Attack Attack are flabbergastingly shit, I actually quite like My Hidden Track, and I do enjoy this track. However, the video is a charming affair of slip ups and moments that will make you smile. Just sit back and watch how much the drummer is enjoying himself (also there’s a section where he looks like a blind man attempting to play the drums), try and spot the moment when the bespectacled guitar player has to readjust his glasses before “rocking out”, and feel smug when you spot the continuity errors involving the bass players tie.

So there we have it, a very brief review, and just for the sake of completion I will list my top 5 albums and songs of the year.

Top 5 Albums of ‘09

1) Reach For the Sun – The Dangerous Summer
2) Say Anything – Say Anything
3) Stay Home EP – Transit
4) Feel the Steel – Steel Panther
5) Somebody’s Going To Miss Us [Live] – The Starting Line

Top 5 Songs of ‘09

1) Stay Home – Transit
2) Cemetery – Say Anything
3) Where I Want To Be – The Dangerous Summer
4) Bubbles - Biffy Clyro
5) Last Parade – Matthew Good

One Cap Wonder XI

One Cap Wonder XI

GK – Chris Kirkland – possibly too good to be on this list. The ex-Coventry shot stopper may look like a sickly child, and may be the only Premiership ‘keeper to wear a cap, and may be permanently injured but he still has his single cap. Though he is the most likely on this list to add to that tally.

CB – Neil Ruddock – Razor accrued his solitary cap in 1994 despite his large physique, due to apparently consuming 212 steak and kidney pies a year. Ruddock is one of a select few to play for both West Ham and Millwall in a long club career. It’s unlikely any fans on either side made too many jokes about it though, our Neil had a bit of a temper.

CB – Antony Gardner – How ‘big Ant’ ever got a cap is one of life’s unanswerable questions. Now at Hull and continuing a career that has been plagued by injury. Seems completely unbelievable that Gardner has more caps than Steve Bruce but football’s a funny old game.

CB – David Unsworth – Unsworth’s selection was something of a tactical gamble. On the one hand he undoubtedly would have solved the problem of England’s abject awfulness at penalty taking, but on the other he was a carthorse of a defender who made Sol Campbell look pacey.

LM – Steve Guppy – the ‘second best crosser in Europe’ got into the England squad the old-fashioned way, he was English and he had a left foot, unfortunately he was terrible and packed up his left foot and went back to Leicester.

CM – Lee Bowyer – one of the true travesties of this XI. Bowyer had the potential to be a major part of the England set up, unfortunately his off-field antics have plagued him and he was deemed too much of a risk. He is the star player of the squad, I assure you no-one will argue with that.

CM – Seth Johnson – An England cap and a £7m move to Leeds seemed to signal a career on the up and up. Unfortunately, like Leeds, Seth was actually on the down and down. Though as anyone who played CM01/02 will argue, he could have been a top player.

CM – David Dunn – everyone knows that clip of Dunn-y attempting the cheeky, reverse legged pass thing and falling over, fewer people know he once played for England. Unlucky to come through with a generation of highly talented centre-mids but experiencing somewhat of a renaissance this season, for one thing he’s learnt how to stay on his feet.

RM –  Lee Hendrie –A player of indeterminate ability, Hendrie seemed part of the furniture at Villa Park until he began to play like a piece of furniture and he was booted out. Now at Derby and still doesn’t like a day over 14.

CF – Michael Ricketts – Playing at Bolton at a time when they were even less entertaining than they are now, Ricketts makes Kevin Davies look like Eusebio. Despite an incredible lack of pace, touch and goal scoring instinct, Michael Ricketts still played a 45 minutes in an England shirt.

CF – Francis Jeffers – The ‘fox in the box’ has never lived up the potential that caused Arsene Wenger to spend £8m on him back in 2001. Still though, one cap, one goal, can’t argue with that.

Fantasy Football From Hell: Ginger F.C.

GK.         David James – The man has been through so many hairstyles that it was inevitable in all his wisdom he would embark upon a ginger phase. Provides a highly unstable foundation at the back, but provide hours of entertainment for all fans.

RB.         Wes Brown – Another England international of highly dubious quality. Reportedly his Man Utd spot is only secured by the fact his mother is holding Alex Ferguson’s wife to ransom. The term utility defender was coined for Wesley to make up for the fact he is crap in multiple positions, not just one.

CB.         James Collins – Recently the subject of a £5m transfer from West Ham to Aston Villa. Collins obviously believed that the claret and blue really compliments his ginger shock. A Welsh international which should highlight the quality of the player, repeatedly outpaced by Harry the Happy Hammer in his Upton Park days.

CB.         Paul McShane – Ex-Sunderland battleaxe now plying his trade at the KC stadium. At only 23 the youngest player on the list, but with 16 caps to his name for his native Ireland, McShane has plenty of years left of abuse in the Championship, where he is inevitably heading with Hull.

LB.          John Arne Riise – Boy could strike a mean free kick, no doubt taking his frustrations out on the ball. Poor John was unfortunately very, very ginger, and not even a Champions League Winner’s Medal and a FA Cup triumph can erase the memories of that own goal against Chelsea in the Champions League semi-final.

RM.        Ray Parlour – Apparently nicknamed the ‘Ginger Pele’ it would be impossible to leave him of the list. Parlour blended skilful dribbling skills and the ability to transform your garden in just 2 days. Unbelievably received ten England caps, though is still better known for his hair and his divorce than anything he achieved on the pitch.

LM.        Dirk Kuyt – The most controversial pick, not for his playing style, which is terrible, but for his hair. Kuyt would fall under the ‘strawberry blonde’ banner, but as all non-gingers know, this is just code for what becomes exceedingly obvious. Kuyt is often described as ‘trying hard’ and ‘giving 110%’, which is obviously impossible, and having a ‘great engine’. Notice that all these attributes would be suitable for a faithful dog, but are less amazing in a footballer. Kuyt’s misery is further compounded by the fact he looks like the love child of Iain Dowie and Sloth from the Goonies. Worse still, he plays for Liverpool. Poor man.

CM.        Steve Sidwell – Sidwell’s career looked to be on the up and up when he moved from Reading to Chelsea, but it soon turned from fairytale to nightmare as he suffered from ‘big fish in a small pond’ syndrome, and he quickly was found out of his depths at Stamford Bridge. Now at Villa and those who once were talking of an England call-up have quickly shut up.

CM.        Nicky Butt – Because one limited, battling centre-mid isn’t enough the Ginger FC is bolstered by no-nonsense, media shy, ex-international Butt. You know what you get with Nicky Butt, probably a bit over-maligned in the media but mostly loved by his own fans. For all those who laugh at his name, he can retort with his 39 England caps and 15 career trophies at United and Newcastle.

CM.        Paul Scholes (c) – Arguably the best player in the team, Scholes is the playmaker of Ginger FC and the only person in the team you wouldn’t mock for being ginger. 15 years at United and still going strong, Scholes undoubtedly retired from the England set up too early and has been missed, though his tackling still leaves something to be desired.

CF.          Dave Kitson – No ginger team would be complete without that one person who is really ginger. That honour falls to Dave Kitson, possibly the ginger-est person who ever lived. Recently showing at Stoke that he has possibly found his level in the Premiership and always a cult favourite, it is still unlikely he will be on the plane to South Africa, regardless of how many goals he scores this season. He would burn far too easily.

Manager.            Alex McLeish – Judging by the formation it has to McLeish to lead this ginger unit. The dour Scot presided over much success in the two team league that is the Scottish Premier division as Rangers boss, but has struggled to make an impact at Birmingham. He has a second crack at the Premiership with the Brummies after guiding them to promotion last season. Is undoubtedly proud of the fact that no-one has ever left St. Andrews thinking ‘Boy, we play attractive football’.

Found here: http://www.sanctuarynewspaper.co.uk/bristol/sport

A Song A Week, Easy Right?

I am pretty much the king of thinking up stupid/retarded/unobtainable goals and challenges to achieve. The short-lived effort to write a Mills and Boon novel being a perfect example. However, this year at uni I have decided (with 2 of my mates) to embark on a journey of musical discovery and potentially ground-breaking proportions. Apart from its not really that original because I have actually nicked the idea of someone else who has already done the same thing (and a lot better than I can hope to achieve it).

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The idea is simple, you have to write and record a song a week, every week. Easy. This way you just power your way through writer’s block or any other problems you have. Inevitably certain weeks will produce better songs than others but the genius is (and what makes it different to the guy I have completely stolen this idea from) is that at the end of a given period, say a term at university, you take the best ones and then re-work and re-record them.

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So clearly credit needs to go the actualy genius who thought this up. His name is Evan Weiss, formerly of Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Start and currently of Damiera, and he did it for 52 weeks, releasing a pretty darn good album containing all 52 of his songs (oh look I just happened to review it here).

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Luckily it won’t be starting for a couple of weeks so I have a little bit of time to chicken out but with one year left at uni and the threat of having to get a real job looming I am trying to find anything that may allow me to delay that as long as possible.

Are there really three parties in UK politics?

Remember when the Liberal Democrats were in power? No of course you don’t, because they never have been. When the Social Democratic Party and the Liberal party merges in 1988 the centrist forces in the UK were finally united again and ready to take back power after years in the political wilderness. But that didn’t happen, not even close. The Liberal Democrats are nominally the ‘third party’ in UK politics but their power is relatively marginal. In fact in local elections parties such as the Greens and the BNP have actually found themselves more likely to topple a Labour or Tory seat than the Lib Dems. In fact the Liberals, in any shape or form, haven’t held power since before the first World War.

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So why write this blog then? Well actually it was influenced by the quiz show Eggheads. One of the contestants had the question about two politicians who had been promoted to the front bench of their party, but which party were they affiliated with? The quizzer then went on to use “Egghead logic” in ascertaining that as he hadn’t heard of either of the politicians in question, they must be Lib Dem. And to be honest, it is hard to fault his logic. Aside from Nick Clegg, who could probably walk past me in the street without me noticing him, and Vince Cable, who could be wearing a big sticker with his name on it and I still wouldn’t notice, it is hard to name any major players in the party. While Menzies Campbell and Charles Kennedy are well-known, they are the past of the party and Lembit Opik is just an arsehole.

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So again, why write this? Well, if I were you, I would put a cheeky fiver on at the bookies that the Lib Dems will have MPs in the cabinet come the next government. It is, in my opinion, possible that we will see a coalition government. And just to annoy people, I am going to sit on the fence so hard that I have splinters in my throat, I can’t decide whether Labour or the Conservatives will be the majority party. Sorry. But, the Lib Dems will have a role to play.

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Surely then it would make sense to know a little about what the Lib Dems stand for then right? It has become a bit of a fashionable thing to say that the Lib Dems are now the most left-wing of the big three, but even if this were true, it’s a bit like winning the Miss Chernobyl beauty pageant, not a massive achievement in anyone’s books. Add to this the fact that the Lib Dems receive so little media coverage that many of their policies are unknown. Most people will probably know that they opposed the invasion of Iraq and the subsequent war, and may be aware that Vince Cable has been pretty outspoken about the current economic crisis.

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At the last round of party conferences Nick Clegg did get some good press for what was a pretty good key note speech (read it here), despite being a bit populist and riding the anti-politics bandwagon that David Cameron started, it contained some decent ideas. Clegg advocated the end of ‘trickle-down economics’, arguably one of the worst ideas ever to exist in capitalism, and a super-tax on the super-rich. Happy days right? Who doesn’t love a bit of wealth redistribution. And it was promised with a refreshing honesty, that people will have to pay tax, tax cuts are promises that win votes without people realising that they just pay the same, if not more, in a different way (see stealth taxes). The core tenet being: “Every person pays their fair share”. Right on Cleggy boy. But oh wait, no, that’s about it for hard policies right?

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Well not really. The Lib Dems are committed to increasing civil liberties and are particularly keen on environmental policies. Not exactly the most exciting policies to mobilise a nation, but still at least there is a commitment to something. However, the problem remains that people just don’t know about the Lib Dems, or at least they don’t know anything important.

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My image of Nick Clegg is dominated by the stories of his sexual prowess (which is a pretty horrible image to be fair) and of his well-documented atheism, not of his political acumen or policy ideas. So while the Lib Dems will have a role to play, they will seemingly be the ugly stepsister of the big two. Is it time to end the idea that there are three parties in UK politics? Possibly, it certainly seems that the Lib Dems are in need of something to propel them back into the public’s eye. Maybe being part of a coalition will be the shot in the arm the party needs. Getting a taste of power might be the best thing after nearly a century of seemingly trying their hardest to avoid it.

By-Elections, Ideologies and Arseholes

So in my role as the topical blogger and not at all coming to this story a week late, I decided to address the concerns of all the zero people who had asked my opinion on Chloe Smith MP and the recent by-election.

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In the last week the media descended on Norwich and were attaching all kinds of significance to what was really an atypical by-election. The incumbent Labour MP had resigned his post with immediate effect after being asked by his party to stand down at the next election over his role in the expenses row. What makes this by-election so insignificant lies in the details so lovingly brushed over by the hysterical mass media.

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The sitting MP was an immensely popular Labour politician by the name of Ian Gibson who was sitting on an incredibly safe seat with a majority of over 5,000 votes. His resignation had sparked Labour voters not to change their vote, but more simply to not vote in protest of what they saw as the scape-goating of their loveable MP.

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Cometh the hour, cometh the Conservative poster-girl.  In steps Chloe Smith, a young, female Conservative MP who so embodies the presentation driven politics that David Cameron is making the Tories play. To make this clear, Chloe Smith was given the easiest job in politics: to win a seat where there would be barely any Labour voters turning up. Even Norwich’s favourite son, Alan Partridge couldn’t have arsed this one up. And so Cameron duly struts his funky stuff over to Norwich and raises Smith’s hand aloft and declares this to be the sign of things to come. Only, it isn’t really is it. This meant nothing, less than nothing really.

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Here’s why. Not every election will be contested in this way, not every candidate will be struck down with Swine Flu and unable to campaign (as what happened to the Labour candidate in this election), and by the time a general election rolls around protest voting (or protest abstaining) will not be the main port of call for disgruntled Labour voters.

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From a personal stand-point I feel that the Labour party is too far to the right at the moment and in need of major reform, but this doesn’t mean that I am going to jump ship and join the Conservative bandwagon. Seeing Cameron without his tie, appealing to the people, at the results of the Norwich by-election reminded me everything I hate about modern politics. Cameron and the Conservative party are existing at the moment on the crest of a wave of anti-politics. That is, politics not of policy or initiative, but of criticism and soundbites, of hysteria and taglines.

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Really think now; but can you actually remember a Tory policy that wasn’t just an attack on Labour policies (the ones over banking regulations are the perfect example of the Labour-baiting policies) or media soundbites (“hug-a-hoody”). I am particularly looking forward to the Conservative election manifesto, I fear it will be about as weighty as a Dan Brown novel, with all the accuracy and intellectual rigour of the Da Vinci Code.

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But there are those who claim that the Norwich by-election is just a sign of things to come unless Labour changes, and changes soon. Well I think this does need to happen, people need to be able to pin their colours to an ideological mast at times like this and at the moment Labour’s position on an ideological map is all over the place. I feel the next round of party conferences will be the key to determining who will win the next election. Labour not only need to nail an ideological position but also find a new generation of leaders and policy-heavyweights.

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For those of you who prefer reading their political stories with a bit more bite and research done on them, please check out this blog here which almost wholly influenced my post.

Quick Update

This is going to be a blog filled with frustration. I’m sorry. I have been home for a few weeks now, and while I knew finding a job was always going to be tough I didn’t realise it was going to be impossible. The places I have been rejected from, and the temping jobs I have been rejected for, are enough to make a man give-up and, honestly, it is tough not to want to do that right now. However, I realise that I need to remain positive if I am going to make anything of this summer.

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So positive thinking, what can I do (and what can anyone in my position do)? Well I do those music reviews (www.dieshellsuit.co.uk check it out), which while being unpaid is giving me experience working to deadlines and writing stylistically. So the lesson is keep doing this I think, it helps I enjoy it and I am getting free music, but it looks good on my CV and means I can remain, at least slightly, productive. The lesson for others, just take a gamble, unpaid work is not great I know, but if you luck out, like I seem to have, you might be able to get some huge non-pecuniary benefits.

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I will keep trying to get jobs, although it is very disheartening being constantly rejected. Temp agencies are saying that jobs that would usually go to undergraduates are now going to actual graduates, so I can at least be thankful that I haven’t graduated in the class of ’09. Follow up on leads and be prepared to be flexible, even if I don’t get work this summer, I am hopeful that I may have a chance to get some work during term times which will be a bonus.

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My real goal though is to remain productive, and this will be doing reviews, but it will also be trying to follow through on some of my projects, musically and in terms of writing (I did put literary which, while reading slightly better, made me sound like a huge pretentious ponce). I really have no excuse not to do these things if I am struggling to find work, this can’t be another wasted summer. Far too often I have ideas or start things to never finish them. So I am going to make a change this summer, because, truthfully, I can’t afford not to.

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p.s. Being productive also includes updating my blog more – hopefully it will be more interesting than this one. Bear with me, I will get funny and informative eventually.

MPs Expenses and Their Implications

There is a row that has been rumbling along for a few weeks now. It has got people talking about politics, and more than that it has constantly put it on the front page. Finally the apathy that people have felt towards UK politics has been vanquished, and in its place rage, anger and hatred. The MP expenses row has sparked fevered debate amongst all sections of the media and led to them all to eager to poll the public and gleefully print the ordinary people on the streets disgust at the use of “tax-payers money” and how MPs should be sacked or abolished altogether. Outlandish stories of MPs using their expenses to pay for moats or fancy toilet seats have become common place in the media and the phrase ‘second home allowance’ has become synonymous with money grabbing bastard. Undoubtedly this is a bad thing for UK politics, but it really couldn’t have come at a worse time.

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The MP expenses row has been blown massively out of proportion. It is naive to think that MPs haven’t done this for decades, in fact the swindling was probably much more commonplace and blatant in the 60s and 70s when parliament was even more of an Old Boys Club than it is now. What is new is the media coverage of it, another example of how the media, especially the print media, is able to set the agenda and perpetuate it. To those who say that print media is a dying medium, editors and journalists around the country can point to this story as an example of how it still has a huge role to play. The original figures were leaked to the Daily Telegraph and newspapers have milked this story so hard the udder is completely withered. Strategic news stories are still popping up and some of the more right-leaning tabloids have made it their mission to call those in question to account. In the news today Hazel Blears has resigned over her role in this, despite repaying all the money she had spuriously claimed. Brown is under increasing pressure and David Cameron is loving the opportunity to sit on his moral high-horse and condemn those sitting across the floor from him in Parliament.

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Ironically, the Conservatives have MPs who are under scrutiny, as do the Lib Dems, but the Conservatives have grasped the opportunity with both hands to label an opposition party the party of “sleaze”, a tag there are more than happy not to be applied to them for a change. For Gordon Brown it is massively unlikely history will be kind to him, not only did he take over from the charismatic Tony Blair and preside over Britain in recession (after he had built his reputation on fiscal prudence and stability), but he is now going to be inexorably linked up to this expenses row. He has been accused of both opportunist scape-goating, in an attempt to remove elements he is less than happy with in his cabinet, but also with being too lax on some MPs over their claims. In terms of a no-win situation, this was it for him.

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But then this is also a no-win situation for politics in the UK as a whole. Voter turnout is on the decline, and Thursday’s elections will no doubt show this trend to continue. Faith in UK politics has been systematically destroyed, and recent events will have only continued this process. People have seen their trust in their politicians evaporate in the constant column inches dedicated to detailing how MPs have been spending “their” money. The general election, when it comes, will be fought not on policy or ideology but on issues such as this. The only winners in this situation are the marginal parties, who have the ability to play on peoples base emotions, as they dedicate their whole campaign to being a clean party or increasing accountability to the people. Something that is easy to say but hard to practice, when even politicians who have made expenses claims that have been legal have been vilified in the press.

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Reactionary forces have called for wholesale changes in the way Parliament is conducted, something which has the potential to be dangerous. Suggestions such as fixed term governments can only serve to decrease accountability and attempts to restrict the money MPs have at their disposal will only act as a barrier to those with less money to stand as an MP. Perhaps Parliament should take some of its own advice and means test their salaries, or even performance related pay?

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The MP expenses row has been a story that should have died out weeks ago but has constantly been wheeled out to further undermine the system that UK politics is conducted in. Only the future will tell what damage has been done, but there is the very clear danger that the story may die out but the changes implemented because of it will seriously damage the UK political system and institutions.